I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
