do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
