i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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