I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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