my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
