so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have already put on my inside pants.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize