I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
