paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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