it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Did I show you my penis last night?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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