I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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