im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
