Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
