Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
