I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
