he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
