i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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