i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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