I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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