I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I want a musical about memes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
