Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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