You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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