The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
