so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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