god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
