just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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