He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
