Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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