Ketchup is God's man juice
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
