dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
