He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
