I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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