I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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