do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
