The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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