Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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