dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
