i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
