Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
