God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
