it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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