if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
