and you said cock pushups were impossible
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
