I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
