im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
