drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
