I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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