I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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