Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
if only i could text you this smell
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
