is your mom at the bar?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
