Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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