her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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