Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
