did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
