I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
