Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
