I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
