Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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